The details haven’t sorted themselves out yet, but I will appear at NY ComicCon in February 2009 to sign copies of Captain Freedom. The event occurs on February 6-8 at Jacob Javits Convention Center. For those of you who don’t know what ComicCon is, just imagine all the people from the chess club, the mathletes, the computer lab staff, the cross country team, your friends fluent in Klingon and the D&D players all together in the same place for a weekend. In costume. 2009 guests will include Art Spiegelman, Chip Kidd, my current favorite graphic novelist Bryan Lee O’Malley and many others.
A few things: No, I will not be in costume. Also, I will not be dueling others with fake light sabers, as I do not wish to injure my book signing hand. Come back here for more information in the New Year.
After the brief skirmish that New York Giants sharpshooter Plaxico Burress experienced with himself at a nightclub, it’s time for a brief FAQ so you can better understand the relationship between weapons and Professional Athletes.
[Above image features typical ice skate/shiv combo– Bionicle News.]
Where did these athletes get guns in the first place?
Part of the problem is the bubble of fame and fantasy the athletes live in. Keep in mind that this is an imaginary bubble, and not even remotely bullet-proof. If you or I were to say to someone in our entourage, “get me a 44 MM Glock” (is that even a gun I have no idea), they would laugh. In my case, I might be given a gun, but because my entourage is usually a few small children and a dog, said gun would actually be a stick that looked like a gun, and would later be chewed up by the dog in the entourage.
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Heroes have to keep up with what one another is wearing. If we didn’t have some basic love for fashion, we’d all wear orange jumpsuits. Except that’s what the criminals wear.
Checking out some photos from the competition I noticed something odd. Batman has always looked to me like somebody who might just have a teensy S&M dungeon hidden in the Bat Cave. But I happened to notice the armored cod piece.
Wow.
I can’t help but wonder: is the Batman somehow “enhancing” his armor? Is that cod pieced stuffed with some extra trout?
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Given the complexity of the Democratic Party’s nominating process, I thought I’d answer a few questions about Superdelegates. My sources include senior Democratic officials and stuff I read in Wikipedia.
What are Superdelegates?
Superdelegates arrive at the Democratic Party’s nominating convention in a large spaceship from their home planet. As you may gather from their name, they do indeed have super powers Their powers, which include hemming and hawing, bladder control, and the ability to accept patronage jobs from the candidates in question, are used to fall behind a single nominee for president.
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According to Voice of America, Japan’s navy has ended its mission to Afghanistan.
Their main reason is that the Japanese opposition party refused to back the renewal law that supports the mission.
Also, because Afghanistan is a landlocked country and the Navy didn’t have anything to do. The Japanese fleet will return to the sea of Japan to conduct scientific yet delicious whaling experiments.
I believe in missile defense. It’s as simple as that. You have to consider the kinds of things that can attack us:
- neighbors having loud parties (you know who you are)
- asteroids
- giant ravenous mecha-birds
- the hands of an angry god coming down to smite us
- aliens (both illegal and extra-terrestrial)
- missiles
- anti-missile missiles
and most importantly:
- anti-missile-defense-missiles
Plus look at the picture: the system is designed to create a replica of the Golden Arches.
No matter what, it’s way cheaper than covering America with a retractable roof like the Astrodome, which, considering the lack of consistent sunlight, would be devastating for my lawn.
I was playing bridge with some of my friends at the State Department and I told them I was planning to remodel my place. I do it every couple of years, mostly out of boredom. So when they recommended the contractors at Blackwater, I figured, sure, why not, I’ll look into them. Turns out it wasn’t such a good idea.
After getting an estimate from them they automatically started to bill me. I wasn’t ready to decide, I was waiting on a few more bids, but then Blackwater’s guy called me to tell me that this was a no-bid process. I hadn’t heard of no-bid contracting before, but since my friends at the State Department were so keen on these guy it seemed reasonable.
Their handiwork is somewhat questionable. Instead of nail guns, they like to use gun guns, which is really rough on the sheet rock. They broke all the windows to create a ‘defensible position’. But I live in a cul-de-sac! Their philosophy is best summed up as measure once, cut twice, and shoot some neighbors.
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People are often surprised by my feelings on certain super powers. I love my own super strength. Lightning-fast reflexes are also helpful, sure, as is the ability to predict the weather. I compiled a list of Superpowers I’ve come across that are really not so great, and that you might think about refusing if some extra-dimensional being offers them.
Flying
Yes, I can fly, but there are some problems with it. To avoid RPGs or interfering with normal air traffic, you have to have to fly really high. It’s cold up there. Which means you’re flying in long johns, and when you get back to land, you instantly start to overheat. Plus if you fly high enough there isn’t enough oxygen , and you have t wear one of those masks like the ones that pop out of the airplane when the cabin depressurizes after the beast sitting on the wing has eaten through the electronics.
Invisibility
People imagine that they could be so stealthy if they were invisible, but that just isn’t so, and it is a question of physics (I learned this from my buddy Dr. Angstrom, who manufactures all sorts of gizmos for the super-oriented community). Here’s the thing: if you’re invisible, light passes right through your eyes, rendering you blind, since you need to have something solid for the light to reflect against. So if you’re bumping into shit all the time you’re no longer that stealthy. You could wear sunglasses, but people get might suspicious when a pair of sunglasses are floating around.
Being made of Sand
There’s really nothing good here. Think about it: you know how it feels when you have sand in your crack from a nice day at the beach? You know how it drives you crazy from the moment you get into the car until you have a shower and a mai tai in your hand? Sometimes that interval can take hours. Think about how you’d feel if you had that sandy crack feeling around your entire body.
Super-inventiveness
I don’t know exactly why this is categorized as a superpower, but it’s in the DSM IV (Dieter’s Superhero Manual) so who am I to argue? Sure, it’s great if you can come up with the TransNuclear Geletin Process but the real problem here is patents. There’s a patent on everything you can think of out there, and what good is your invention to take over the world if you can’t get a patent and have it mass-produced in China?
Telepathy
You live in a world where people are having inane cell phone conversations. Imagine a world in which you heard peoples inane thoughts all the time. Can you hear me? Are you there? What should I have for dinner. Yeah, I’m stuck on the train, but there’s this really hot Superhero next to me. Wonder if he’s single.
So glad I can’t read minds.
Various Twists on Mind Control
It’s one thing to read minds, another to control them. Most heroes, or when you think about it, they’re mostly villians, have very bizarre forms of mind control — ensnaring victims in their worst nightmares/favorite fantasies, exploiting people’s dreams while they sleep. Can you imagine having to explain this power at a cocktail party?
“And what’s your super power?”
“Oh, well, it’s this form of mind control where I reach deep into their psyche and replay their worst day of ninth grade. It might now sound that bad but it’s totally paralytic.”
Wow, exciting, you might as well just say “database administrator”.
Shield Throwing
It didn’t do Captain America that much good, since he was gunned down leaving a courthouse and not having his shield handy. That’s sad. I’m pretty sure it isn’t an Olympic sport.
Let me say I’m shocked. Shocked at the TASER event in Florida recently. When will police learn to first evacuate all students with video equipment, then TASER the unruly ragamuffins.
With all my superpowers I haven’t needed to use the device, except when I’m at the gym. Then it’s really handy: Can I use the Elliptical? No. Really? No. (applies TASER, body crumples to the ground).
In any case, any police or private security or paranoid weapons freaks should really make sure their up on the latest safety - perhaps try the TASER Safety Merit Badge?
Dear Captain,
Is it always true that with great power comes great responsibility?
-Jimmy Olsen from Dundas, MN
Jimmy,
This is pablum of the worst kind, a stereotype perpetuated by the media that gets me in trouble at work, with my girlfriend, and with my family. ‘Take out the garbage,’ she says. ‘I don’t feel like it,’ I reply. ‘With great power comes great responsibilities’, and then I’m hulking the cans out to the driveway, even though they only feel like empty paper bags to me. Superheroes shouldn’t be more responsible than anyone else. Nobody else seems to care when cops blow a red light, but I’m not allowed to drive on the sidewalk when I’m late to a Duran Duran concert?
Albert Einstein, greatest of all Americans, once said this: imagination is more important than responsibility. Actually, he didn’t exactly say that, but he said that ‘knowledge is power’, and that ‘imagination is more important than knowledge’ (saw that one on a bumper sticker). I’m no logician, but with a little word substitution you could also say that ‘imagination is more important than power’, and ‘with great knowledge comes great responsibilities’, so it follows that imagination is more important than responsibilities.
Yo Captain!
Is it alright to grill baby back ribs on a gas grill?
Name withheld
Noname Propane,
You could grill ribs on a gas grill, if you’re the kind of person who would be satisfied seeing the Mona Lisa in a textbook, or doesn’t buy the Duran Duran reunion album because a rock ‘critic’ said it wasn’t any good, or you’d rather push paper in a cubicle than hunt the wild creatures of the Serengeti. With a gas grill you might as well head on over to the Burger King and ask them to flame broil your twenty dollar aged steak.
When you become brave enough to face your inner demons and purchase that actual grill, the one that speaks to the ancestral urges of fire and flesh, try using mesquite fuel instead of charcoal. It imparts a nice smoky flavor, and happens to be carbon neutral. Neat!
Dear Mr. Freedom,
How do I know if I can fly? Please write back because this is an assignment for Mrs. Prokop’s fifth grade class. I was going to choose David Hasselhoff, but my best friend Eric picked him so you were the only one left. - Peter Busby
It’s not very likely that you can fly. Look at yourself. Superheroes and others who fly are fabulous people. Are you surrounded by fabulous people exchanging witty banter and enjoying expensive wine? No. You’re twelve years old. Making fart jokes in the cafeteria.
But you will never know unless you try. First thing you should do is have your mother sew you a costume. Tell her it’s for the school play. Then you should stand on top of a very tall cliff, close your eyes, and leap.
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