Oh Crap, I think Someone’s Trying To Hack My Site.

True believers, you can never be too careful when you use the World Wide Web. It’s a disgusting digital dung heap of digital depravity, and yes, I said digital twice. Because, you know, Base 2. Zeroes and ones.

I’m no expert at computers. I used to believe that the only way to keep them secure was with a hammer, but I’ve since evolved. I shop online, bank online, even send threatening messages to my enemies (IM - Intimidating Messagin) online. It’s all about the crypto and the ciphers and that really long book by Neal Stevenson that was about numbers. And cereal.

Once I got this terrible virus. It burned when I peed for days, and that taught me a special lesson, which is that you can never trust Craig’s List Casual Encounters and that you have to be tough on internet security. You cannot have an easily-detected password, which is why mine is Freedom. No, not written forwards, but in the indestructible cipher known as ROT-13. Nobody. I mean nobody, is going to crack through my fortress of security.