Ask The Superhero: Zombies and Pirates

Will Zombies Ever Be As Cool as Vampires, and Do You think Pirates Are Sell-outs?
-I. M. Missing-pieces, Recently disturbed tomb, Haiti.

First off that’s two questions. I’d like to tell you about my feelings on vampires, but that will have to wait for another time.

Some of you might think that Pirates are sell-outs only since the final, tedious, gruelingly long chapter of Pirates of the Caribbean: I Can’t Believe I Have to Wait an Hour Before Jack Sparrow Shows Up. But you have to remember that Pirates of the Caribbean was originally an amusement park ride, which stinks of commercial success. And vomit.

Pirates are obviously sell-outs, but this has been true since the days of Errol Flynn. You’d think that zombies aren’t real sell-outs because they are disgusting, slow and can’t really think past where they’re going to get their next meal of sweet breads, much less come up with a cohesive marketing strategy, but you’d be wrong.

You have to admit that Zombies haven’t always received a fair shake. Look at this nugget of wiki-truth in an article about the past censorship of undead creatures in Marvel Comics:

Zombies, lacking the requisite ‘literary’ background, remained taboo. However, Marvel skirted the zombie restriction in the mid-1970s by calling the apparently deceased, mind-controlled followers of various Haitian super-villains ‘zuvembies’.

Zuvembies? Is that how we offer respect to the sort-of-dead?

Zombies go through un-life making you think that Vampires get most of the glory. They are shrewd. It’s not surprising, given the steady diet of brains – some of those smarts would have to slough off. Here’s something to consider: while Vampires enjoy a piece of the literary cannon like Dracula, only Zombies could be part of the superstar mashup Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. Pirates will always be the pretty boys, the New Kids on the Block, Zombies are like the Public Image Ltd of the bad guy world.

Bonus! A handy guide of the top ten of Commercial Villainy, from Most Commercial to Least:

1.Vampires
2.Mobsters
3.Pirates
4.Zombies
5.Spies (who work for bad countries)
6.Ninjas
7.Mad Scientists
8.Crooked Cops
9.Werewolves
10.Mavericks