Ask The Superhero - Rescuing Small Crap Countries

What’s the appeal of rescuing small, defenseless countries that nobody cares about?

Just Curious,

Barry O’ Bama
–sent from my Blackberry

I assume this is a thinly veiled reference to Kuwait. I haven’t been reading my news feeds today — did it get invaded again?

You have to dance with the one what brought you. If the giant casino called Monaco needed a rescue, I’d be the first one to put on a tux and save it. (Although according to copyright that job belongs to James Bond so perhaps not). But countries like that, sadly, don’t need saving, just like the cute girl on the other side of the gymnasium isn’t leaning against the wall waiting for you to ask her to dance. She’s already dancing. Most likely with me. Sooner or later you’re going to have to face facts and rescue some crap country.

Kuwait and others like it may not be big or glamorous but they’re easily liberated. You don’t need a large military coalition, although that doesn’t hurt. Costa Rica will always show up, but the problem is they don’t have a national army. Hint: say yes to their offer of free coffee.

I currently hold the speed record for liberating Kuwait: 52 minutes. I’ve heard that Doktor Defense has done it in fifty minutes flat, but I believe he has at least two sidekicks, and may in fact be operating under the auspices of a superhero ensemble group, like the Defensors or the Expellers, which is not at all fair as far as the record books are concerned and I’d like to give him an asterisk - with my fist.

The other thing about small, oft-invaded nations is that they usually are somewhat corrupt and lack in transparency, as far as stealing from their populace is concerned. Not that this is right, but I have no place criticizing how another guy runs his country. I know what happens. I pay my cleaning ladies under the table, so I’m no stranger to the occasional wade into the deep waters of corruption. Personally I refuse to dive in, but I understand how others will spend their time in the deep end.

Then if these leaders – generals, kings, or presidents-for-life decide to reward me by raiding the public coffers, I can’t help but accept, as long as that income is never reported stateside. And those usually defenseless, small countries have buckets of cash to spend on liberators, which is why they might have been attractive to the madman with the death ray in the first place.

The king of Kuwait (at least I think that’s what sort of benevolent dictator they have) also gave me a large oil field. Gas prices being what they are, it seems like the kind of thing you want to have for later.

Is there a rule of thumb for country rescuing? Not really. Just don’t fall for the idea that they’ll become a democracy after your brilliant rescue, believe me, I’ve fallen for it before and they take that football away faster than you can say Lucy Van Pelt.

Captain Freedom will answer your questions if you email his staff writer greg AT alldaycoffee DOt net.