Shocking Truths About Taser Safety

As tasers become used more in daily lives, by everyone from parking lot attendants to perfume counter clerks and at staff meetings we need to outline their safe and effective use. This Instruction Page could be tacked up in every workplace, in between the sexual harassment poster and the federal employment guidelines poster, and covering the “workers must wash their hands before leaving the bathroom” reminder.

*Note: Taser is a trademarked name, but like the kleenex and xerox before it, I will use the word in lower case to piss off some copyright attorneys. I’ll even use it as a verb or gerund. Because that’s how I roll.*

For those about to use a Taser

1.Make sure nobody has a video camera.
This is priority one. You cannot use a taser safely, and by that I mean illegally and up to its full potential, if some budding Warhol Scorsese happens to have a small digital recorder, buried perhaps under a backpack, and who decides to ignore the inner city basketball documentary they were planning and films your brutality instead. Since you can’t pre-screen every Sally Backpack around, you might just subject everyone to a brief search as they are attempting to flee the scene, or at least empty the scene of witnesses before discharging.

2. Be well versed in CPR. Seriously, if you aren’t willing or able to return the heart beat of your intended target you should ask yourself why you’re going through the hassle of tasing someone.

For those who haved been tased
1.Wait for at least a half hour after you’ve been Tased before you go swimming.
2.You may be responsible for any clothing or public property damaged if you have voided yourself upon Tasing. Contact your attorney.
3.”Don’t tase me bro” is a trademarked phrase and you should not utter it.

For those who want to avoid tasing
1.Be smart. Clean up your act. Change out of that “Cop Killaz” teeshirt and perhaps don a shirt with the affixed logo of the Police Athletic League.
2.Raccoons, it is well known, cannot be tased. Become like a raccoon. You may best accomplish this by wearing a small black mask over your eyes. As a shortcut you might purchase a raccoon fur coat and wear it while you are up to no good.

Things I learned about tasing from Wikipedia
1.The device was supposedly invented by NASA researcher Jack Cover, which must be the most bullshit fake name I’ve ever heard of and I cannot believe this passed Wikipedia’s stringent editorial muster.
2.The Taser is an acronym for “Thomas A. Swift’s Electric Rifle.” This is much more palatable for ALWDUAG: At Least We Didn’t Use A Gun.
3.They are difficult to obtain. You have to know how to go online and how to use some sort of electronic shopping cart. You may commercially purchase a “Small Fry” which discharges a shock of up to 1 million volts. There will be a quick background check to make sure that you are irresponsible, have a violent past and an itchy trigger finger.
4.There are lots of puns involved with tasing (see #3 above).