Everything You Need To Know about Professional Athletes and Guns

After the brief skirmish that New York Giants sharpshooter Plaxico Burress experienced with himself at a nightclub, it’s time for a brief FAQ so you can better understand the relationship between weapons and Professional Athletes.
[Above image features typical ice skate/shiv combo– Bionicle News.]

Where did these athletes get guns in the first place?
Part of the problem is the bubble of fame and fantasy the athletes live in. Keep in mind that this is an imaginary bubble, and not even remotely bullet-proof. If you or I were to say to someone in our entourage, “get me a 44 MM Glock” (is that even a gun I have no idea), they would laugh. In my case, I might be given a gun, but because my entourage is usually a few small children and a dog, said gun would actually be a stick that looked like a gun, and would later be chewed up by the dog in the entourage.

But in the case of the Professional Athlete, if he were to demand “get me a gun,” somebody would get him one. This is not the case with figure skaters, who would likely ask for and then receive a trident. The entourage will give the Athlete whatever he wants, even an elephant.

Then why don’t we hear more stories about Professional Athletes and their pachyderm accidents?
We would, but elephants are not allowed in nightclubs. That ban is the only bit of Prohibition that was never repealed.

Isn’t gun ownership by Professional Athletes a sign of their tough backgrounds?
Athletes arrive to their professional league often playing college ball and come from such harsh backgrounds as Michigan State and Virginia Tech. Players develop talents in marksmanship and fisticuffs as they scramble to be the first to their economics classes, as those students in the front tend to be noticed more by the TA and receive higher grades in class participation.

Figure skaters, of course, having been raised in Soviet breeding farms, express their background by turning their skate into a shiv.

Isn’t it dangerous for Professional Athletes, who have no training or licenses for firearms, to keep them in their pants?
It depends how dangerous it is for someone to shoot himself in the thigh. Self-inflicted gunshot wounds are definitely painful, especially if they puncture the femur, but if you aren’t the self doing the inflicting, it isn’t really any of your business.

Shouldn’t we consider banning weapons from professional sports?
This is a simple-minded response to a complicated problem. Remember the old saying: if we outlaw guns, then only figure skaters will have guns.