What Are Superdelegates?

Given the complexity of the Democratic Party’s nominating process, I thought I’d answer a few questions about Superdelegates. My sources include senior Democratic officials and stuff I read in Wikipedia.

What are Superdelegates?

Superdelegates arrive at the Democratic Party’s nominating convention in a large spaceship from their home planet. As you may gather from their name, they do indeed have super powers Their powers, which include hemming and hawing, bladder control, and the ability to accept patronage jobs from the candidates in question, are used to fall behind a single nominee for president.

Why are they so important?

Superdelegates give the Media something to talk about. If not for the presence of Superdelegates, the pundits and news anchors would have absolutely nothing to talk about between the Super Bowl and MLB Opening Day. As soon as the first pitch is thrown out in April, the Superdelegates will vanish from the collective consciousness.

Where did they come from?

Back in 1981, the Democratic Party had a difficult time herding their delegates, for delegates are wily, and prone to blend into the upholstery. Even though delegates are supposed to vote for the candidate they were pledged to during the primaries, these fickle creatures change their minds often, leading to what is known as a floor fight.

What is a Floor Fight?

It is not pretty. The candidates duking out the end of the nominating process are known to rip pieces of flooring out with their bare hands and duel. Splinters go everywhere. In 1968, Hubert Humphrey, who did not win a single primary, beat all of his opponents with large oak planks which he had smuggled into the Democratic Convention, pretending the material was for building a tree fort.

How Do the Superdelegates Prevent the Floor Fight?

Superdelegates storm into the Convention on extremely nimble steeds. Using small dogs, lassos, and shotguns, they hunt after the normal delegates, and store them in large burlap sacks until the end of the Convention. The candidate with the largest, fullest burlap sack wins the nomination.

Do Republicans have them?

There are no Republican Superdelegates, because the GOP would rather not have aliens, legal, illegal, or extraterrestrial, involved in their party.