Debunking 7 Popular Superpowers

People are often surprised by my feelings on certain super powers. I love my own super strength. Lightning-fast reflexes are also helpful, sure, as is the ability to predict the weather. I compiled a list of Superpowers I’ve come across that are really not so great, and that you might think about refusing if some extra-dimensional being offers them.

Flying

Yes, I can fly, but there are some problems with it. To avoid RPGs or interfering with normal air traffic, you have to have to fly really high. It’s cold up there. Which means you’re flying in long johns, and when you get back to land, you instantly start to overheat. Plus if you fly high enough there isn’t enough oxygen , and you have t wear one of those masks like the ones that pop out of the airplane when the cabin depressurizes after the beast sitting on the wing has eaten through the electronics.

Invisibility

People imagine that they could be so stealthy if they were invisible, but that just isn’t so, and it is a question of physics (I learned this from my buddy Dr. Angstrom, who manufactures all sorts of gizmos for the super-oriented community). Here’s the thing: if you’re invisible, light passes right through your eyes, rendering you blind, since you need to have something solid for the light to reflect against. So if you’re bumping into shit all the time you’re no longer that stealthy. You could wear sunglasses, but people get might suspicious when a pair of sunglasses are floating around.

Being made of Sand

There’s really nothing good here. Think about it: you know how it feels when you have sand in your crack from a nice day at the beach? You know how it drives you crazy from the moment you get into the car until you have a shower and a mai tai in your hand? Sometimes that interval can take hours. Think about how you’d feel if you had that sandy crack feeling around your entire body.

Super-inventiveness

I don’t know exactly why this is categorized as a superpower, but it’s in the DSM IV (Dieter’s Superhero Manual) so who am I to argue? Sure, it’s great if you can come up with the TransNuclear Geletin Process but the real problem here is patents. There’s a patent on everything you can think of out there, and what good is your invention to take over the world if you can’t get a patent and have it mass-produced in China?

Telepathy

You live in a world where people are having inane cell phone conversations. Imagine a world in which you heard peoples inane thoughts all the time. Can you hear me? Are you there? What should I have for dinner. Yeah, I’m stuck on the train, but there’s this really hot Superhero next to me. Wonder if he’s single.

So glad I can’t read minds.

Various Twists on Mind Control

It’s one thing to read minds, another to control them. Most heroes, or when you think about it, they’re mostly villians, have very bizarre forms of mind control — ensnaring victims in their worst nightmares/favorite fantasies, exploiting people’s dreams while they sleep. Can you imagine having to explain this power at a cocktail party?
“And what’s your super power?”
“Oh, well, it’s this form of mind control where I reach deep into their psyche and replay their worst day of ninth grade. It might now sound that bad but it’s totally paralytic.”

Wow, exciting, you might as well just say “database administrator”.

Shield Throwing

It didn’t do Captain America that much good, since he was gunned down leaving a courthouse and not having his shield handy. That’s sad. I’m pretty sure it isn’t an Olympic sport.