The ISS Takes on: Superheroes

It should go without saying that superheroes are vile and without any real negotiable value, but we’re here, so we’ll go ahead and say it: They’re terrible.

Over on our now-hostage website, we have made it pretty clear that superheroes can easily be douchebags, and, frankly, superheroines aren’t much better.

But we all already know that. Let’s get past the personalities and move right into the even more pathetic aspects of these sad, overhyped people.

First: Fashion sense. They ain’t got it.

Blue? Red? Yellow? What are these compared to the villainous staples of green, purple and black? Likewise, superheroes are just plain enamored with wearing those underwear-looking tights outside of their regular pants, which is almost fetishy. We know it’s an old joke and all, but that doesn’t make it any less weird. And capes. So many ugly, ugly capes. We villains keep it classy. With metal and/or leather masks, hoods and stylish boots.

The only thing we heroes and villains can really agree on are belts with our initials on them. Those are pretty boss.

Next: Rhetoric.

All superheroes seem to be able to say is, “I’ll save the day” this, and “a better world that” and “to the rescue” what. We supervillains have a much larger vocabulary of nefarious pronouncements, usually stated in elegant ALL CAPS and topped off with a hearty, villainous laugh. They barely laugh at all, those heroes. They have no fun.

The horrid propaganda rags called comics don’t want you to believe it, but we villains have more fun than anybody. (Remember what we said earlier about the death rays).

And finally, website and headquarters design and cleanliness. Frankly, we hate it here. Everything is so damn bright! And Red Bull cans and Mountain Dew bottles are fucking everywhere. The floor is sticky. There are literally dozens of cats who have ostensibly been rescued and not returned to their owners crawling over my arms and legs right now.

And there’s daylight. Horrible, horrible daylight.

We can’t wait to get back to our pit of horrors, honestly, at ISS HQ, deep in the Earth’s mantle. It’s so much cozier. Also, we left all our beer and pizza there. We want it back, Freedom.